There is much to be learned, in retrospect, after a divorce. Six years has come and gone since I divorced my then husband of 14 years. Four kids were a treasured gift from that journey - something I will be forever grateful for. There were actually many gifts both from that time, and from after that time - it's just hard to see them until space allows you enough distance to look back and see where you were.........and where you've come, how you've changed. We become who we are because of our journey's and so how can any of them be anything but gifts - though they may certainly feel like they suck at the time?
I was thinking one day, as I was in the midst of the initial turmoil of the divorce, I wondered if there was a book I could find that would give me more information than the repetitive things I was reading on the subject.......that you needed to move one, you needed to forgive, you needed to not hold on to the anger, the hurt, the aftermath, the often injustices that appeared to keep happening. After all, there are no winners in a divorce, but I wanted someone or something to tell me the that #1, my kids would be okay, and #2, that I would be okay and the storm would subside, the pain would ease, the closure would happen and that some form of 'normal' would return. I looked for a book that would give me something deeper, things that were real, tangible.
I realized that there may be the information out there somewhere, but I never found it. Since my divorce, I've talked with and seen several other people walk this journey. It's a journey there is not instruction book for. Just as in many areas of life, it's new, it's raw, and the answers that you think you knew or should know......don't always come until you've messed up.
So, I wanted to hear from other's who have walked this journey. Every experience in life gives you a chance to join a club. Going through a divorce puts you in the divorce club, like it or not. There are many clubs in life that I can think of to join that have certainly been funner than this one - but none-the-less, here we are!
A divorce changes who you are, forever. I don't believe anyone is ever the same again and neither is life. What you do with that 'never the same again', has many colors and textures.
I am interested in other peoples real life stories of this journey. The growth, the humility, the lessons, triumphant, spiritual changes, miracles, the good, the bad and the ugly as can only be told by those that have walked it. How did it change you, how did it change your parenting, your relationships, your perception of relationships?
What would you have done differently? In your marriage...........in your life..........as a person.......as a parent..........through the different layers of healing during, in the middle and after your divorce?
Some of the best advise I received was from those that walked this journey, not in the books written by psychologists that often times I don't think even knew what they were talking about because they hadn't walked it. Many people that had never walked the walk......were happy to give advice, but it's truly one of those things you cannot give advice on until you've felt the extremes of emotion and the waves of turmoil, peace, fear, sadness, anger, bitterness, solitude, and the stripping down of who you were while you picked up the pieces that were your life and create a new one. Some of those emotions came and changed from one minute to another and sometimes you'd feel them all in a day.
For me, it was an incredible journey that is still far from over. It has been paved with wrong choices and right choices. I believe people do the best they knew how at the time, but I will also say that my post divorce relationship with my children's father has been a stretch of growth that I am still working on - better than I used to be, but I'll be darned if I don't let him still push some buttons. I am always in awe at those that maneuver this journey and can have a conversation with their ex, especially when children are involved. I, unfortunately, am not one that may ever have that with my ex. I don't believe he may ever get above that I am not his enemy. Our post divorce story has grown into something he clings to. It has become "his story" and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. You cannot change peoples perceptions...........that is probably the biggest lesson I've learned. I didn't have an affair, though I did ask for a separation after many years of religious dysfunction and disconnection. Ironically, he is the one that walked away from counseling, however, it will always be me that caused it - in his eyes. I don't know if a failed marriage is ever just one person, even if one is less guilty - we are all human and make mistakes. Each of us could have done better and there are certainly always lessons there hiding.
I'll save the rest of the story for another blog. I am hoping to hear other people's real life stories so the information can be compiled and shared with other's on this journey. A crystal ball of advice from many walks of life that may salve a heart, give hope, help someone see they aren't alone, and in 'real' life, it's a process. Like Shrek says........it's like onions.......onions have layers and a divorce is the same. You will have layer after layer come off, the trick is to not stink when you get to the center!
What would you have done differently?
Love you hear your story. email at input@divorce-whatiwishihadknown.com
